it's called "target" marketing for a reason

Right.

Could someone please explain to me what, exactly, the McDonald's corporation expects to accomplish by creating I Am Asian.com?

Two things immediately come to mind. One, do people actually buy this crap? Do people of the particular target market at which a given ad is aimed actually see it and go "Hey, McDonald's is cool, like me! They know what I'm about! They understand my culture! I should eat there, like a good little [insert ethnicity here]"? I somehow doubt it. While I'm often guilty of wondering just how stupid people can be, I seriously doubt anyone is THAT stupid. Seriously. (And I hope I'm not proven wrong on this point, though I fear I shall be, having stated it like this. XD)

Two, when you reach the sort of saturation level of a multinational corporation such as McDonald's, do you even NEED to advertise anymore? It's to the point where McDonald's is nearly synonymous in international minds and across language barriers with "fast food." As to what that "fast food" actually entails, your mileage will of course vary by region, country, and etc., but it's a lot like the term "photocopy" often being replaced by "Xerox" in normal speech. Or "tissue" being replaced by "Kleenex." These brands have transcended association with a brand of an item and have come instead to be understood as synonymous with all instances of that item, whether you actually photocopy your documents on a Xerox-brand photocopier or a Toshiba, or whether you blow your nose with Kleenex, Puffs, or your local generic equivalent.

When you reach that point in your growth as a hideously oversized behemoth of a corporation, what is the POINT? I mean, other than showing how grossly out of touch you are and pissing off as many of your potential customers* as you can?

At what point does overadvertising become counterproductive, regardless of stupidity of content? Do ad agencies actually ever believe it does?

I think I've reached the point where it's really their utter cluelessness in their blatant shilling efforts that's most primarily offensive. :P

* = Apart from the ones who would already be pissed off because they've Done Reading About You and have some sort of social conscience dictating the direction of their anger?

future history, redefined

tomorrow is the first presidential debate.

but what of the rules, you ask?

"The candidates are also not allowed to question each other directly or step out from behind the lecterns.

evidently, the OED's definition of "debate" is completely out of date.

cycling is fun

as some of you may be aware, i finally got myself a portable bicycle to aid in my overlong daily commute; in specific, it's a Dahon Piccolo D3. it's quite lovely, and while of course there's been a bit of an adjustment period since i first got hold of it a week and a half ago, it's been working out quite well so far, and has cut out approximately an hour out of my daily commute in total. as of next month, it will save me having to purchase a link-up bus pass in addition to my usual train pass as well, which will put nearly $40 more in my pocket every month. as a result, this bike will pay for itself in almost no time.

and as i'd been told prior to getting this bike, of course it's sparked conversation with various people on the street who witness it. i also now get nods from other cyclists on the road, which i find kind of amusing; it's much like people who've got the same specialist model of car (or sometimes even make; Volkswagen people often nod or beep at each other across vehicle platforms) acknowledging one another, actually.

it's also sparked some really dumb comments, too. which i suppose i can't totally blame people for but yes i can, the idiots!---i've had two people say something about it being just a GREAT idea when they don't feel like walking somewhere, and implying it's somehow an aid to laziness.

which doesn't really offend, per se---i mean, i know what i'm doing with it, and i don't much care how it's perceived. however, it does make me question their intelligence and/or skills of observation, because i'd really love to know in what parallel universe carrying around a 24 pound bicycle in a shoulder bag can be considered "effort-saving." is it time-saving? yes. money-saving? eventually. and while i don't carry it much (as it's usually busy carrying me, or else sitting on a seat next to me on the train), it's awkward and large and no small feat to carry on those occasions when i do carry it.

next time someone says something similar to me, i think i should quickly disabuse them of their ill-thought-out notions of laziness and just hand them the bloody thing to try carrying on their own. of course, with my luck, the next person who says a similar thing to me will be significantly taller and possessed of much greater upper body strength than i, and will merely raise an eyebrow at me and enquire as to my point in this little exercise upon hoisting it onto either shoulder.

my current route to and from work is the same: bike, train, bike, train, bike. it's like a repetitive pentathlon, but it's better than it was before! XD

a night like this

saw Alien: the Director's Cut in the theatre earlier today.

we have it on LD at home, only with the extra scenes not cut back into the movie where they belong. but still.

the print looked very, very nice. and the movie itself is still amazing. on so many levels. niggling continuity issues that crop up here and there aside, the model work is fantastic (won't be seeing any of that anymore, will we? i mean, since everyone seems fairly well convinced that "digital is always better," and more importantly, that computer graphics are better than anything and everything that went before, hi art of modelling and puppetry and animatronics and claymation and stop motion and...and...); the score is appropriate and uses tons of silence and ambient noise in addition to not feeling the need to have music going nonstop throughout; the actors do their job but are not over the top; the lighting is really good; the sets look really real; everything altogether looks and feels more REAL than lots of sci-fi epics done in more recent time. in large part, i'd say this is because this film was not afraid to be dirty. this sort of thing looks too clean for my taste these days, honestly. plus, suspense! and Giger's designs. god. it's really cool, but it makes me sad at the same time. i'm really glad to have seen it in a theatre, though.

also, there was a trailer for Alien Vs. Predator before the movie. due out in August of 2004. they're finally doing it. after talking about it for years.

it had better not suck, dammit. >P

don't believe the hype...

since this is the big weekend for marshmallow Peeps, chocolates of all stripes, eggs, small children, chicks, and bunnies---wanted to mention once more that Easter and bunnies DON'T mix.

while it's my privately-held belief that only a complete twat would adopt or purchase a pet about which they knew nothing (or next to nothing) as regards the care and handling involved, i understand completely how overwhelming the power of Cute can be. but please, with a rabbit or chick or any other pet consideration you're thinking of undertaking, do yourself and your intended the biggest favour you can and do the research first.

much emphasis is placed on the difference between fiction and reality as regards children and what they grow up believing. so why are cartoons the most common basis for most people's presumptions involving more uncommon pets (and especially rabbits and mice)? while i haven't got personal issues with Bugs Bunny, he's been a terrible example to humans of how to treat bunnies properly; the most glaring example being that carrots are actually quite bad for rabbits. in small doses (a bite here or there, once in awhile), they're fine. but feeding a rabbit a diet composed entirely (or mostly) of carrots will virtually rip their intestines to shreds. not a pleasant thought, and generally not intentional---but it happens. as with anything, education is key.

sometimes i wonder why i get so particularly irate about this subject. i mean, rabbits are important, but other creatures are of course important as well. and i begin to wonder, if we can't treat other human beings decently, then who the hell am i to expect that we could treat non-human beings with any modicum of respect? maybe some part of my brain considers this to be a more easily controlled thing. not entirely sure. :P my point is, most living things shouldn't be considered as "impulse buys," and that does seem to be an especially evident mentality at this particular time of year.

more articles on the subject can be found here, , here, here, here, here, and here.

COG

Neil Gaiman mentions a really unbelievably cool TV advert for the Honda Accord, which has been written about in really great detail here, by the Daily Telegraph. the long and short of it is, it's an insanely complicated and cool bit of watching all the mechanical innards of the Accord working together; action and reaction and reaction. and NO CG trickery of any sort employed; they really did this as one shot all straight through. it took upwards of 600 takes to get exactly right, but the point is that they did it. they took the time. they Did Not Cheat. ^-^

which isn't to say that i'm against computer graphics. not in the slightest. when done well, and not merely for the sake of waving someone's expensive new toys about in the faces of the audience, Just Because They Can. that's the sort of thing that pisses me off to no end.

there's also more than a little bit of sadness to see amazing things done with puppets and animatronics and such, and (gasp) hand-drawn lightning and other special effects, and thinking "that's great, but we're never going to see anything like that again, are we?"

Gollum, of course, was a great leap forward. but how many bazillion dollars were spent on the effects in the Harry Potter movies (to name a particularly glaring example), and how crap did they (mostly) look? it's not about the toys, it's about the talent. it's about how they're used. and the idea that older forms of doing effects work, of the days of Kit West fiddling with a kazillion and a half condoms to make up the innards of the giant sandworm that Paul Atreides latches his hook into to ride in David Lynch's Alan Smithee's Dune will never come again. great miniature work? what's that?

it wouldn't be so bad if more CG effects looked better. but a lot of them don't. and so, quality is sacrificed for convenience, once again. :P things that had risen to a level of being accomplished artistic expressions are left writhing sadly in the dust. does advancement always have to be about discarding all vestiges of the old? it really shouldn't be that way, but all too often that seems to be the case.

at any rate, i REALLY hope i get to see this on TV sometime. wasn't shown during our airing of the Brazilian GP, that much i can tell you. not that i'm surprised. Honda.co.uk has put it up online, in both a smaller version and a larger version. additionally, an Accord owner particularly taken with the ad and distressed at the appallingly slow download times he was getting from Honda's UK site mirrored it at his own site here.

i'll take a look once i'm home. the painstaking description written up in the Daily Telegraph just sounds too unbelievably cool not to. o.o;;;

[addendum: after having watched it (and it IS really cool and highly recommended; you'll need Flash 6 installed to do so, however), the Daily Telegraph article is actually wrong. not everywhere gets Accord wagons (the US doesn't), so they couldn't air this commercial just anywhere. and the car is also right-hand drive, of course. so they'd have to change that a bit if they wanted to air it in the US, as well as elsewhere. since they already spent so much time and money to get this commercial shot, it might actually be much easier and more cost-effective to simply make Accord wagons available everywhere. in right-hand drive. ^^]

spinning gently out of time

currently spinning: "you're so great (and i love you)." blur (with Graham)

i keep seeing articles splashed all over the place mentioning that people are so surprised that a) Iraq is fighting back, and b) people (on all sides, but concern is especially for ours) are dying.

er...how? how does this come as a surprise? people tend to die in conflicts such as these, where large-scale weapons and tempers and such are involved.

it's unarguably terrible, yes, but hardly surprising. once again, the mind boggles.

on that note, article in the NY Times about opinions shifting as costs of war are tallied.

welcome to the atrocity exhibition

skipped out to go retrieve lunch a bit ago. it was only after my curry decided to spontaneously spring a leak on me as soon as i'd hit the library doors that i realised Red Eye's true usefulness: it handily helped to mop up the currilicious mess down the front of my coat, and on a nearby trash/recycling bin. another issue of it also helped to convey my food back through the gates and to my desk, since the curry had of course weakened the paper bag it was in to the point of unusability. amazing.

it was also during this lunch run that i wondered how feasible it would be to file a complaint against certain individuals and their policies in our current government---via the Better Business Bureau? i've been wishing there was a way we could refuse to pay taxes based on dissatisfaction with service we've received thus far without fear of reprisal. i don't see one, but the BBB thing seems a bit more likely. i mean, come on---read what they've got up about truth in advertising guidelines, for a start!

i've luckily never had to file a complaint with the BBB before. people i know who have have not had much come of it. but the complaints would be on file for others to read, at least.

...which is the problem. probably not many people thinking about coming here are going to go look at the BBB first to seek out complaints. d'oh. it's really too bad. i think the claim (especially when made by a large number of people) would be incredibly valid.

that being said, loads of other issues have been brought to the fore recently. i can't even begin to explain how floored i was in having the task of trying to convince someone fairly close to me that wholesale genocide is not okay, and that the notion that "they all look alike" is utter bullshit. not to mention the people who actually believe the tenuous (at best, and that's stretching it SEVERELY) claims made by our government of ties betwixt Mssrs. Hussein and bin Laden. besides the fact that they were never able to prove anything, and that any "evidence" furnished was later discredited not only by credible governmental agencies abroad, but also by the CIA and FBI, merely using common sense should make one realise that two such power-hungry, egotistical individuals as they would not get along very well. really. the idea, aside from being something that would be extremely convenient for those wishing justification for this war, is patently preposterous.

of course, the tension regarding "immigrants" is paramount in my mind at the moment, mostly because of this rather disturbing conversation involving genocide. (which almost caused me to lose it, not surprisingly; was very glad Spaz was there and was making really good, informed, detailed arguments [better than mine would have been, in fact---i freeze up when too frustrated and tend to lose ability to speak well. >P], or else i really would have)

i mean, there's quite obviously the argument that unless one is of Native American ancestry, either one or one's ancestors somewhere along the line were all immigrants to this country. i wouldn't think this would be something that would need to be said, really---i'd think it would be fairly self-evident. unfortunately, it seems as though the actuality is otherwise.

the mind absolutely boggles. un-fucking-real.

anyrate, here's some articles for today:

The Judicially-Selected Dictator's Pre-Emptive War, brought to you by Ralph Nader (and before you groan [if you groan], read it--it's interesting).

more on the Coalition of the Bribed, Bullied, and Blind, brought to you by the Daily Mirror.

Henry Porter on How to Save Brand America in the wake of all the wrong being wrought in our name.

We Bomb. They Suffer. Robert Fisk on the realities of war, via the Independent.

Ultimatums and War by Lillian Corti.

and finally, following up from another article along similar lines from the other day, Jimmy Breslin relates Familiar, Haunting Words.

sick to death c/w mystery box!

was at the protest yesterday. couldn't stay for the march, but was there before it got underway. even more police than last time, which i suppose makes sense. loads more on horses. helicopters overhead, at least two; might've been more. all the buildings kinda get in the way, so i couldn't really see. Federal Plaza was filled with people, and more kept coming in all the time. it was good to see, but still made me cry. this whole thing. i try to stop thinking about it, but i can't...

even after i had to leave, though, i could hear their chanting all the way across the Loop. it was half-heartening and half-sad. so many people who feel this way, and the ones who can do something about it, of course, don't give a shit. way to treat your constituency. :P

i'm going to try to think of other things. i don't know how much luck i'll have. yesterday was one of the most completely emotionally draining days i've spent in a long time, and i'm fairly certain i'm not alone in that.

it's horrid. there are people around here who are complaining because there've been these articles in local papers about how Mayor Daley's requests for an FAA-declared no-fly zone over Chicago have been ignored. ah, yes, it all comes down to this. believe what you're told, oh yes. you'll be ever so much better off that way. some people are such unbelievable tools. it's really sad and frustrating to see. i bet they bought the fucking duct tape, too. and the plastic wrap.

yes, children---remember to duck and cover. cos yanno, it's really all coming down on our heads. imagination wins out over reality every single fucking time. disgusting.

i'm, er, a bit bitter and worked up. 'scuse me. >P

oh, i know. here's something kinda amusing from the other night, just before this country actually began this thing they're doing.

i got to the train station near my house, and as usual, Spaz picked me up. as we're driving home, he asks who i know in Australia. i know people who've been there, but i don't think i've got any friends there right now (and if i do, and you're reading this, feel free to kick me for being so forgetful).

i can't think of anybody, and ask why. he responds that i've got a giant box that just got delivered sitting at home, from Australia. he can't remember the name on it, so there's not much i can really do about it till we've gotten home, other than wonder who it could possibly be from.

a few minutes later, we're home. sure enough, this huge box is sitting on the table in the kitchen. i examine it; the name isn't one i recognise. it's from Breckenridge. hrrm. can't think of anything to do with Breckenridge. look at the customs slip, and it states the contents to be "SNOWGLOBE." signature doesn't look familiar. hrrm.

(of course, this makes me think of my sister. Mariam had this thing last year for snowglobes; in particular, there were these REALLY nice ones that had been made featuring scenes from Lord of the Rings. i wouldn't spend so much money on them, but i did think they were quite lovely. she collected them all. XD)

i look all over the outside of the box, trying to see if there's a note attached. look under the customs slip. nothing.

finally, Spaz hands me a razor and i slice it open. no note inside; just a lot of styrofoam peanuts surrounding a slightly-smaller-big-box inside that says "Harry Potter" on top. a Harry Potter snowglobe. hrrm.

Spaz holds the big box so i can pry the HP box out of the midst of all the styrofoam. pull it out, open it up---still no note. sure enough, it's a snowglobe; Harry Potter, even:

you shake it and there's little stars. there's even Scabbers! the books are really cool; the bookmarks are actual ribbon coming out of the ceramic. and the cauldron is pretty neat (although if they've got a cauldron, why not Snape instead of Dumbledore? XD), with the little bubbles.

but still---where did it come from? i couldn't think of any contests i'd entered. i never really liked any of the HP merchandise---except the Legos. thought the Grandpre art was hideous. didn't want the movie stuff (excepting the actual movies themselves on DVD). so i pondered. and Spaz teased, in a singsong voice, "you've got a STALKER! someone must've seen a SWEK show or something! XD XD XD" pointing and laughing. i glared, half-amused but playing along. where could it have come from?

i decide to call Mariam.

(now, what i mentioned earlier? people upset about there not being a no-fly zone in place? my mother was one of those people. she had in fact called me at work earlier in the day, wanting to set up a system wherein we'd check in with each other with a phone call every day. nevermind the fact that a) it's bullshit, and b) even if it were much of a possibility, were something to happen, i'd think either one of us would probably figure out something was wrong with the other. :P really, such a system makes no sense whatsoever. way to buy into the bullshit, mom. :P)

anyrate, i'd told my sister about this conversation via a phonecall we'd had earlier. her response was a gigantic pause, followed by "my silence is my response. O.O;;;" i'd had a similar one, i told her---there was a long pause in my convo with my mom, during which i could feel the ellipses circling my head. and i also related that suddenly, i'd felt this overwhelming urge to run to the bathroom. so i told my mom, "er, i've really got to go to the bathroom. can i get off the phone now?" and i did. i wasn't making it up. and i told Spaz about this conversation on the way home, too. hence, what followed after i announced that i was going to call Mariam:

"Ooh, can I call her?" he asked. "I want to make sure she's okay---tell her she needs to check in with us twice each day to make sure nothing's happened to her. XDXDXDXD and then we can call your mom and tell her we just opened up a big box from someone we didn't know, with a snowglobe filled with anthrax---see, Harry Potter is evil! XDXDXD"

he phoned up Mariam. and informed her solemnly that we ought to check in with one another every day, twice a day. and it was hilarious. and he told her about the snowglobe.

and we found out she was the one who'd sent it.

"...but from AUSTRALIA?!?!?" i asked. apparently, it was my late christmas present. she thought it was neat, and that i'd like it. and it is, and i do, even if i never would have bought it for myself. Hedwig, Hermione, Ron, Scabbers, and Dumbledore look pretty good. and Harry looks a bit like he's got leprosy, which is okay too. it now sits amongst my Lego HP sets, Milk & Cheese + Lenore lunchboxes, and Filler Bunny in his capsule on our bookcase. the books at the base are the coolest part of it, though. XD

well, we were amused. XD

how to lose two cars in two days

so, needless to say (which of course is why i'm saying it anyway), it's been a weird past few days. 'twas to have been a nice and much-needed four-day weekend for the both of us, and while it was technically four days, er...something was a bit lacking in the latter half of it. i think the whole crash scenario is really what did it, although i could be wrong. XD

i forgot to mention, though: one OTHER stupid thing the lady (in all her infinite idiocy) said. and our combined response to her.

IIRC, it came after Spaz remarked on where the bumper of her car had hit ours. we were shocked the window glass hadn't shattered from the impact, honestly. her Blazer didn't make contact with it, but it was only a few inches below that. fat lot of good those disgustingly gigantic bumpers insisted on for all new vehicles sold in the US do then, right? it's such a complete and utter load of shit. apparently mounting the bumpers up as high as they are on SUVs sold here wasn't enough of a safety risk for anyone with the distinct misfortune of being hit by one of these things and not (gasp!) being in a gas-guzzling, overpolluting death hog on wheels (which should require special, stringent certification to drive in the first place, but mysteriously doesn't). oh, no---because of certain regulations here, our bumpers are HUGE by comparison with stock bumpers required in most other countries round the world. why? because we get in more accidents, and bumpers are thought to make us safer. which wouldn't be such incredibly flawed reasoning were it not for the fact that SUVs and other trucks here have their bumpers (and headlights, but that's less of a safety rant, really) mounted up so high that this makes them even MORE dangerous to anything out on the road that isn't a fellow SUV/truck.

ANYWAY. so, Spaz commented on where her Blazer (which we found out was a '92 later on, in the police report---we'd initially thought it to be from sometime in the mid-to-late '80s, by body style and wear on the thing) had hit our Jetta, and she said something about how she'd been thinking about getting a new car, but she's got a bunch of kids and her husband to consider, and they just don't make station wagons anymore.

which made both of our eyes pop out of our heads; it's been some sort of mission to get people we know who are considering buying giant SUVs to instead consider all the various station wagon options that are available. specifically, lately we've been trying to convince Spaz' mom of this, as the lease on her Chevy Blazer is up very soon and she had been looking for a new vehicle.

now, it's understandable that if you've got a large family and/or drag a lot of stuff around with you on a pretty regular basis, you're going to want a vehicle with room to do so comfortably, right? this isn't the problem. what IS the problem is thinking that most SUVs are the way to go in order to achieve this. yes, they look big and imposing on the outside---but on the inside? most of them have an incredible amount of very poorly used space. you get MUCH more usable space out of a station wagon than you do out of an SUV that's virtually twice its size.

so anyway, we ran down a huge, huge list of station wagons still being made today. until the WRX came out, Subaru was probably best known here in recent time for its Outback and Forester wagons---and you've got the bonus of all-wheel drive there as well, which i know would sell a lot of people on them. and although it's ass-ugly IMHO, there's also the Ford Taurus wagon. and the Saturn wagon. and i think Toyota still makes a Camry wagon, and there's always the Mazda Protege5 (which was the main competition in my head against the MINI Cooper as to what i was aiming to get in a few years). there's the Ford Focus wagon. there are slightly older Mitsubishi Diamante wagons, i believe. Volkswagen makes Jetta and Passat wagons which we get here as well. and if you go slightly higher up the line, there's at least one Saab wagon, the absolutely spectacular Audi All-Road (which we were trying to sell Spaz' mom on; honestly, i could totally see her in one of these, and it's comparable price-wise with the SUVs she was admiring pretty heavily), and of course BMW and Mercedes both make wagons in addition to their much newer entries into the SUV market.

if i'd had paper, i'd have written her a list. but i didn't. she looked kind of dazed, though---but she looked that way before we started rattling off our huge list of wagons.

drives me nuts---no, they aren't advertised nearly as well as SUVs and even normal passenger cars are. but they do exist. and i'm sorry, but if i were going to plunk down a large amount of money for anything, you'd better believe i'd want to do my research first and make sure i was making the best choice i possibly could.

it makes me really sad, to realise that yes, there are people who are that brainwashed by adverts and "experts" and the like.

...utterly flaky bint.

but as i said before, it's nowhere near as bad as it could have been. i'm still a bit sad, but we had been trying to figure out what to do with that car anyway---the '98 Jetta GT (in the lovely colour known as "silver arrow") had just been sold to Spaz' brother the day before this happened. yesterday, the lady's insurance company called to offer up a rental car, at their expense. we're not sure how long this'll last for, but they then called the rental place, which came and picked up Spaz so he could go pick out a car. due to their being out of all the cars in the $20.99/day range which the insurance company had agreed to pick up the tab for, they upgraded for free to the next higher class---which ended us up with a Saturn of some sort. it's an automatic (of course, it being a rental place and all), and it's in bad need of both a bath and an alignment. but it's a car, and will get us to work (well, me via the train) and the grocery store and such. trunk space is rather pitiful, though. reminds me of a Civic. XD

probably more later; also probably less ranty. ^^

WISE UP BOY, TIME'S AT ITS END

as mentioned elsewhere by Fi and Jae Young, tomorrow is International Protest Day.

it's difficult to hold out hope that i, personally, have any power. but we have power, and we have to believe that we have power, if there's enough of us in that "we".

if you're in the Chicagoland area, info on the local event can be found here.

the more of us there are, the more difficult it will be for us to be ignored.

it is far too easy to have no hope for what's to come; i vacillate between this and wanting to believe innumerable times per day. i hope that if there's enough of us, we'll not only reinforce whatever tiny seeds of hope we might have, but also prevail, because this apathy is absolutely killing me. and all of us. what the hell is wrong with us?

we absolutely should be afraid, but not of what we're told to be afraid of.

ALARM CALL

spinning: "generation wrekkked." chuck d.

echoing Jae Young's concern, for those of you who don't read her, please have a look at this:

US Patriot Act, Part Deux (draft)

how can one be made more livid? easily, apparently. as though previous efforts weren't enough, and as though our collective complacency and seeming willingness to roll over and take it right up the arse sans even a nice spitwad to make pretense of lubrication beforehand weren't enough, right?

at the same time, one is left to wonder what one can do; it's difficult to hold out any hope that we as individuals actually have any say in how these things are being run. this has been proven to us time and again, and that's at least part of why i believe we have become even more complacent than we previously were as a nation. what is the point in acting when none of it does any good; these people are obviously going to do whatever they goddamn well please anyway, and fuck the rest of us bloody and sore and raw.

i'd love to say this is unbelievable, but i really can't, in all honesty. it seems only the beginning of the inevitable conclusion.

we are the nation of millions holding ourselves back.

i feel so fucking hopeless right now.